I know many of you will get tools today

[redkneck]

So......

To all my friends who work with tools and those of you thinking you would like to get into working with tools, here is a little terminology for you...

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.*

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'*

SKIL SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.*

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

*BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.*

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

*VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.*

OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.*

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.*

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

*BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.*

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.*

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

*STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans.. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.*

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.*

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.*

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.*

UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.*

SON-OF-A-B***H TOOL : (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a B***H!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.*Hope you found this informative.

Happy Fathers Day Boys! Be Safe!

[wtnhunt]

Missed the tape measure John. Think of a lot of other alternative uses for most of those. lol.

[arrow32]

Lol that's pretty good

[stevebeilgard]

i thought i was all alone in that dept.... lol

[Ravin R10 man]

thats about right on there

[Shaun_300]

LOL! Those are funny. I can relate to the bench grinder incident. That hurts like heck!

[redkneck]

I can relate to most, including the engine hoist, lol.

...and yes! I got a table saw for father's day!

[whitetailfreak55]

Lol that's hilarious

[Shaun_300]

Yep, engine hoist too.

[dbHunterNY]

yup forgot lots more too.... like a breaker bar to a socket set. just in case you need to loosen that odd size bolt or lug on a wheel stud that's about to snap off that you don't have on hand.

...or that 4" grinder that small enough to fit into anywhere yet you always find grind marks on important adjacent parts.

...or that 4lb sledge that always makes things touching what you're hitting fly across the garage so you can pick them up or go find them.

...convenient socket cases/holders that always remind you of the one socket that got lost, thus driving you nuts thinking about it.

...fast cut through anything reciprocating saw for when you don't really care about cutting/mutilating somthing that's there when in hind sight you need what you just cut and/or know that it will look like a hacked up mess.

...the simple box wrench... always something you need that your knuckles could do without.