waterfowler_gal Posted January 19, 2005 Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 Read this... I had to copy it from an email so sorry about the ">>" marks.... ENJOY... CHILI ON THE RUN.... >>A Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this whole story without >>laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This >>is a scream! >> >>Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to >>the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.. >>For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. >>They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes >>around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San >>Antonio City park. >> >>The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who >>visiting from Springfield, IL. >> >>Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili >>cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I >>happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for >>directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was >>assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili >>wouldn't be all that spicy and, >>besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I >>accepted." >> >>Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3) >> >>Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili.... >>Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 >>-- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy >>crap, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your >>driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the >>worst one. These Texans are crazy. >> >>Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili... >>Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # >>2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. >>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. >>I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off >>two people who Wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush >>in more beer when they saw the look on my face. >> >>Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili... >>Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. >>Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. >>Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels >>like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. >>Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now >>my backbone >>is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting totally smashed from all >>of >>the beer... >> >>Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic... >>Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. >>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish >>or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt >>something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it >>possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing >>behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look >>HOT...just like this nuclear waste >>I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? >> >>Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover... >>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, >>adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using >>shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers >>make a strong statement. >>Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and >>I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed >>paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her >>chili >>had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by >>pouring >>beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips >>off. >>It really honks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. >>Screw those rednecks. >> >>Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety... >>Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of >>spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of >>peppers, onions, and garlic.Superb. >>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, >>sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it >>will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me >>except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear >>end >>with a snow cone. >> >>Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili... >>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned >>peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in >>a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I >>am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as >>he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in >>my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight >>in one eye, and the world sounds like >>it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid >>unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. >>At >>least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to >>stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen >>anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in >>my >>stomach. >> >>Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili... >>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too >>bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This >>final entry is >>a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of >>it >>was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the >>chili >>pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor >>feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fisherguy Posted January 19, 2005 Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 Re: Chili Contest.... Read this Hahhaha, i can sympathize with #3 ...me and spicy foods do not have a good realationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dogdoc Posted January 20, 2005 Report Share Posted January 20, 2005 Re: Chili Contest.... Read this now that was funny. I haven't laughed that hard in a LONG time! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GWSmith Posted January 20, 2005 Report Share Posted January 20, 2005 Re: Chili Contest.... Read this I have read a few posts that had me laughing in my time here. This one is by far the funniest...I knew I was in for something special when after printing it out and attempting to read it to my wife.....I was crying and the tears were soaking the paper it was printed on. Absolutely... ***** Five Stars***** Already a strong front runner in the 2005 funniest post categorie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archerjg Posted January 20, 2005 Report Share Posted January 20, 2005 Re: Chili Contest.... Read this That was one of the best I have read in a long time. Archerjg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carbonhunter Posted January 20, 2005 Report Share Posted January 20, 2005 Re: Chili Contest.... Read this ROFLMAO.....best joke I've heard in this new year, def worth the printer paper, i used to watch my buddy jet his beer out the old sniffer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanH Posted January 20, 2005 Report Share Posted January 20, 2005 Re: Chili Contest.... Read this sweet i like it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wtnhunt Posted January 20, 2005 Report Share Posted January 20, 2005 Re: Chili Contest.... Read this LMBO. Good one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SRA Posted January 20, 2005 Report Share Posted January 20, 2005 Re: Chili Contest.... Read this One of the best!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orion_70 Posted January 20, 2005 Report Share Posted January 20, 2005 Re: Chili Contest.... Read this I never get tired of this one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muff Posted January 20, 2005 Report Share Posted January 20, 2005 Re: Chili Contest.... Read this Thank you.....I printed that off at work lastnight and everyone got a great laugh out of it...helped the night go bye. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MUDRUNNER Posted January 20, 2005 Report Share Posted January 20, 2005 Re: Chili Contest.... Read this THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY! [ QUOTE ] I NEED TO WIPE MY REAR END WITH A SNOW CONE [/ QUOTE ] YOU'RE KILLIN' ME Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shaun_300 Posted January 20, 2005 Report Share Posted January 20, 2005 Re: Chili Contest.... Read this LMAO!!! "and it burns burns burns; that burnin ring of fire" thats what judge-3 would have been singin the next mornin!! LOL!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JimT Posted January 21, 2005 Report Share Posted January 21, 2005 Re: Chili Contest.... Read this LOL....Thats good. I have never had a super spicey chili. Would like to someday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruce Schmeck Posted January 21, 2005 Report Share Posted January 21, 2005 Re: Chili Contest.... Read this LMAO You could have warned me that I'd need Kleenex for the tears running down my cheeks and the snot running from my nose. No problem, I just wiped it on my shirtsleeve. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whitetailkiller Posted January 21, 2005 Report Share Posted January 21, 2005 Re: Chili Contest.... Read this [ QUOTE ] Hahhaha, i can sympathize with #3 ...me and spicy foods do not have a good realationship. [/ QUOTE ] ditto.....if i eat pizza i get heartburn..... but i like pizza too much...can you say TUMS!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarvDog Posted January 21, 2005 Report Share Posted January 21, 2005 Re: Chili Contest.... Read this I've seen this one a couple of times and absolutely love it. Might be fun to be a judge, huh? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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