Gift Wrapping Tips for Men...

Jeramie · December 22, 2006

GIFT WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN (I got this in an email the other day)

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This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas

when the Three Wise Men: Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb went to see the baby

Jesus; and according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts;

gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an

important, yet often overlooked, theological fact.

There is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:

"And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the

paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman.

And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she

saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!'

And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more

interested in the paper than the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very

first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people

giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

1. They were wise.

2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of

putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is

not just my opinion; this is a scientific fact based on a statistical

survey of two guys I know.

One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such

a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."

The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of

principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift.

"No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas,"

Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can

never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of

cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size

of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping,

you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I

camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)

If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower

half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping

paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women,

actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires

batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close

to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife

would wrap each individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies

that come more naturally to women than to men.

That is why today I am presenting:

GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped.

If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it,

you can claim that it's myrrh.

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to

make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple

sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and

liquid starch.

They must be smoking crack.

* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper!

Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it.

This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?

YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!

YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.

YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!

YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.

YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give or

how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of

year, is that you save the receipt.

~by Dave Barry~

Don't forget to laugh during this Christmas season, and to my knowledge

one of the wise men was not named Herb.

nutz4bucks · December 22, 2006